Five years ago today, the most important person in my life finally succumbed to ALS, after an 11 year battle. Five years, my heart was ripped into a million pieces. Five years which at times seems like 5 minutes and other times it feels like a whole lifetime.
One thing I have learned is that no one is an expert on grief - everyone grieves differently. No one talks about how much you will regret EVERYTHING and how much guilt you will feel. I wasn't there enough, I didn't say enough, I didn't thank enough, did she really know how much I loved her. There is NEVER enough time with a loved one, period. I don't know if I will ever not regret or not feel guilty, but at least it dissipates over time and I can at least be more thankful for the time I did have then regret the time I didn't.
Another thing I have learned about grief is that I don't think there is ever closure of the "five stages". I will always be angry that my mom got sick, I will always be angry that there was no cure. I still would like to bargain with the powers that be - I would gladly trade someone to have my mom back. I will always be heartbroken that my mom is not with me. I will always miss her. As a rational, intelligent human being, of course I accept that she is gone, but there is no peace in that acceptance and maybe there will never be.
As an adult, with a job and a child, etc., I did not have the luxury of shutting down and checking out and letting myself grieve. Life went on, my job went on, my child needed to be taken care of. One day a year, that is when I let myself grieve. But as I did today, I met someone who made me think about my process. My daughter is almost 6 years old, my mom passed away a month before her 1st birthday so she has no memory of her. I rarely talk about my mom with my daughter because it is hard, because I get sad. I realized that I want my daughter to know about my mom, and it is ok if she sees me get sad. I have to start telling her about my mom, letting her know how much I hurt without her, and that these feeling are all ok.
My mom was a strong, independent, fierce woman (at least that is how I saw her). She spoke her mind and she was unapologetic for it. She pissed off her enemies and sometimes her friends! She was silly and kind, and she had a twisted sense of humor. She loved with everything she was and I could always see how much she hurt when any of her kids hurt. She was tough and strong and a bit stubborn. She was beautiful. The world is a darker place without her in it.
Everything I am today as a person and as a mother was inspired by her. Not only did she give me life, but she gave me more strength than I ever knew I had. I hope wherever she is, she is proud of what I have done and who I have become.
Mom - there will never be enough words to describe how I feel or how much I miss you.
With the presidential election just days away, I have been thinking a lot about what it all means. This has been an emotionally charged time, not just for myself but for most of America is seems. I have found myself getting angry, worked up, and stressed. I feel like the stakes are high, much higher than they have ever been in my lifetime. I remember watching in college as the polls closed and Bush beat Gore and we were upset. But it wasn't the fear, anxiety, and hatred of this election season. I am terrified: Terrified for people at polls who might bring guns; Terrified for people who might riot and incite violence when Trump doesn't win; Terrified of what has been brought out in many Americans that will take years to fix, if it can even be fixed.
I am an opinionated woman and maybe a bit more judgmental than I would prefer to be. I know what I like and I know who I like and I don't need a lot of time to figure that out. Maybe I have been too judgmental this election, maybe I have lost or damaged friendships, maybe I just don't care? I don't mind having friends with differing opinions and view points. I love a healthy debate or disagreement and I think it helps us all to be more intellectual to do so. But, as I look at this election and I look at the many Americans who support Trump, I find myself thinking I could never be friends with people like that, people with the same values as that God awful man.
The thing that continues to baffle me the most is the hypocrisy of Trump supporters and their unwillingness to actually read facts. Take for example, the facts that Trump has made fun of women, the disabled, veterans, minorities, etc and yet he is "just kidding" or "he is saying what's on his mind". Hillary says ONE negative thing about half of Trump supporters (the KKK, neo-nazi's etc) and she is persecuted for it. HYPOCRITES. Quite frankly, if you believe and support the KKK, then I think you are a deplorable human being and I wish bad things for you. Let's talk about facts - Trump has bankrupt at least 6 of his businesses, not to mention the failure of Trump Steak, Trump airlines and the FRAUDULENT Trump U. But all I hear from Trump supporters is that he is a great business man. Seriously? If you believe that, you need to go back to school because you obviously don't understand business. FACT - Trump has said nasty and derogatory things about women his whole life. Millions of girls have heard this and it is having an effect on their self-esteem. As a women and mother or a girl, I can't understand how any women or mother with girls can write this off as funny, or "locker room talk". And, I wonder how many of you would be screaming sexual harassment if someone at your work did or said things like this to you? I wonder how many of you would be calling for the impeachment of Obama if even one woman said he looked at her funny? HYPOCRITES. How about Trump's (and his supporters) remarks on "using their second amendment rights? He should be jailed for that, it is a threat of violence against a Presidential nominee. I bet that if Hillary indicated any sort of violence against Trump, you would be calling for her hanging. HYPOCRITES.
It is true, there is a lot at stake this election. I think the biggest thing at stake is who we are and who we want to be. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Most importantly, what do I want my children to be? I want my children to know that everyone is different and that we should celebrate people for their differences rather than bully and demean them. I want my children to stand up for what they believe in without fear of persecution. I want my children to accept everyone, regardless of race, religion, gender, or disability. I want my daughter to respect herself, to dress however she feels comfortable, and to always be comfortable in her own skin. Beauty fades, weight fluctuates, but intelligence, humor, self-respect, kindness - those things always prevail. I want my daughter to know it is ok (and even encouraged) to speak out against anyone who assaults her in anyway - physical or verbal. I don't want her to ever feel uncomfortable with how she dresses or acts. I want my son to stand up for his sister and all women. I want my son to respect women, to not treat them as objects, but as human beings no different than himself. I want my children to obtain facts, to research issues, before making up their minds on something. I want my children to live without fear of being hurt for expressing their opinions.
Those are the things I want, those are the things I am.
