A Decade...In the blink of an eye

Dear Mom,

I cannot believe you have been gone for 10 years. It feels like a whole lifetime and no time at all. I don't think there will ever be a time that it isn't hard without you, but this year is harder than past years. 

Ava is turning 11 and starting middle school. I am having a hard time with it. I could really use your guidance, advice, and support. I wish you were here to help me and Ava navigate through her preteen and teens. I am sure I would get a bunch of "I told you so's"! I spend most days feeling like a failure or wondering how bad I am screwing her up. I try to tell myself that is the sign of a good parent, a parent who is trying....but having you here to reassure or just lend an ear would make a world of difference.

I will never not be angry that you are not here while shitty mothers are. You know who😉 And I can hear you in my head telling me how wrong I am for thinking that. Probably telling me you are disappointed in me for saying something like that. But, I don't care. I would 100% trade someone else to have you here. 

I hope you are proud of who I am and the choices I have made. It's hard not knowing. It's just rough sometimes. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom. I could go on and on....You are with me always. I will miss you and love you forever.

Love,

M

Nine

 Dear Ava,

I cannot believe that you are nine! Where does the time go. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. Each year I realize how not ready I am for you to grow up.😄

What a crazy year 2020 has been and not in a good way😏 I know it has been a struggle trying to do school from home. I know it has been frustrating and sad to not to see your friends. I hope you know that I have actually enjoyed the time. There will come a day when you don't want to spend time with me all the time or where you are not even living at home anymore so I have tried to cherish this extra time that COVID has given us, even when you are driving me up the wall. 

😡OMG - you certainly know how to push my buttons. You are strong willed for sure! I hope you channel that tenacity into something wonderful one day so it wasn't all wasted on just annoying me.

You are also so caring, sweet, funny, and silly and most of the time you brighten all of our days. Please stay that way. Be confident in who you are. Don't ever change for anyone. Teenage girls can be so mean and judgmental and I don't ever want you to doubt your worth or conform to "fit in". Being popular doesn't mean anything.💖 Kindness, caring, empathy, sense of humor, ability to see beauty in the world - those are the things that matter. 💖

I love watching you do gymnastics and I am proud of how hard you try to always do better. I love playing with you, or coloring, or doing crafts. You are so creative and smart.

It is an absolute pleasure to be your mom and I can't believe how lucky I am. Watching you grow has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You are so loved by so many and I hope you never forget that. Have a wonderful 9th birthday🎂 and keep being you.

Love Always,

Mom

And Just Like That, She's 7

Dear Ava,

I missed 6 so I will try to reflect on the last two years as best as I can!

You, my child, try my patience every day.  You are strong-willed and independent, which I do love.  I don't always love how stubborn you are or how you continue to do things long after being told no, or how you seem to take pleasure in pushing my buttons!

You have such a big heart.  I love that you make things for your friends and family just because.  I love that you get excited for everyone's birthday and not just your own.  You are my lovebug and I hope you will always want to be my big helper.

I love how much you love your grandpa.  I hope you always want to spend time with him, no matter how old you are.  It is such an amazing relationship to watch grow as you do.

You are so incredibly smart and I can't wait to see all the amazing things you will do (I can wait -I don't want time to go too fast!)  I truly believe that you can be and do anything you set your mind to.  It has been crazy watching you learn to read and move on to harder and harder books in no time at all.  I love how much you love math and science and school!  Things that were challenging a few months ago are now a breeze.  I also love how creative and crafty you are.  Your mind amazes me every day.

Being smart and being able to figure things out for yourself is super important.  But I want you to also know how beautiful I think you are inside and out.  I hope I can instill in you the importance of standing up for yourself and your friends.  You can still be a little shy or fearful when it comes to telling people you don't like something.  It is always ok to say no, to tell someone they are being mean, or to walk away.  Please don't ever let anyone make you feel like that is not ok.  Please know that you can always tell me anything as well.  Don't ever keep secrets that might be harmful to you or anyone else.

You are so loved by so many and I hope you see and feel that everyday.  I will make mistakes because I am not prefect but my mistakes don't mean that I love you any less.  You are wanted, you are cherished, never forget.

I can't believe you are seven already!  It has gone by so fast, but I have enjoyed almost every moment of it.  I love you more than you will ever know and I am so lucky that I am your mom.  Happy birthday my baby girl.

Love always,
Mom

Dancing in the Sky

Dear Mom,


I don't think anyone ever gets over a loss like this.  We just learn how to deal with or compartmentalize the grief.  But deep down, it's always there.  A hole in my heart that just cannot be filled by anyone or anything else.  

There are so many things that I buried that I have been forced to face this year that make this year just a little harder.  

Anger - at you for getting sick and then for leaving me, at the universe for making you sick, at ALS for not having a cure, at myself for a myriad of reasons, and life for continuing on and not allowing me the chance to process any of it. 

Sadness - that you are not here to talk to, to give advice, to know Ava, to help, and quite frankly sad that there was maybe another life I could have lived if things were different.

Guilt - soooo much guilt which I blame you and the Catholic Church for!

I just miss you, sometime more than I can bear.  I hope that you are watching over us.  I hope you are dancing and laughing.  And more than anything, I hope I have made you proud and that I am like you.  

You were a great mom.  You were a great friend.  You are everything I am and the world was a better place when you were here.  

Thank you for being my mom, for putting up with me, and for loving me even when I was a royal pain in the ass.  For what it's worth: I am glad I had you at all, even if it was cut too short, than to never have had you in my life.

A Reflection on Five Years

Five years ago today, the most important person in my life finally succumbed to ALS, after an 11 year battle.  Five years, my heart was ripped into a million pieces.  Five years which at times seems like 5 minutes and other times it feels like a whole lifetime.

One thing I have learned is that no one is an expert on grief - everyone grieves differently.  No one talks about how much you will regret EVERYTHING and how much guilt you will feel.  I wasn't there enough, I didn't say enough, I didn't thank enough, did she really know how much I loved her. There is NEVER enough time with a loved one, period.  I don't know if I will ever not regret or not feel guilty, but at least it dissipates over time and I can at least be more thankful for the time I did have then regret the time I didn't.

Another thing I have learned about grief is that I don't think there is ever closure of the "five stages".  I will always be angry that my mom got sick, I will always be angry that there was no cure.  I still would like to bargain with the powers that be - I would gladly trade someone to have my mom back. I will always be heartbroken that my mom is not with me.  I will always miss her.  As a rational, intelligent human being, of course I accept that she is gone, but there is no peace in that acceptance and maybe there will never be.

As an adult, with a job and a child, etc., I did not have the luxury of shutting down and checking out and letting myself grieve.  Life went on, my job went on, my child needed to be taken care of.  One day a year, that is when I let myself grieve.  But as I did today, I met someone who made me think about my process.  My daughter is almost 6 years old, my mom passed away a month before her 1st birthday so she has no memory of her.  I rarely talk about my mom with my daughter because it is hard, because I get sad.  I realized that I want my daughter to know about my mom, and it is ok if she sees me get sad.  I have to start telling her about my mom, letting her know how much I hurt without her, and that these feeling are all ok.

My mom was a strong, independent, fierce woman (at least that is how I saw her).  She spoke her mind and she was unapologetic for it.  She pissed off her enemies and sometimes her friends!  She was silly and kind, and she had a twisted sense of humor.  She loved with everything she was and I could always see how much she hurt when any of her kids hurt.  She was tough and strong and a bit stubborn. She was beautiful.  The world is a darker place without her in it.

Everything I am today as a person and as a mother was inspired by her.  Not only did she give me life, but she gave me more strength than I ever knew I had. I hope wherever she is, she is proud of what I have done and who I have become.

Mom - there will never be enough words to describe how I feel or how much I miss you.  

On Your 5th Birthday

Dear Ava,

How is it possible that you are already 5 years old and in kindergarten.  You continue to amaze me every day.  You are incredibly smart and I hope you cherish that above all else.  You are also incredibly strong-willed.  As frustrating as it can be to parent you at times, I know that you will be such a strong, fierce, independent woman who will not take any shit from anyone!  You have an amazing sense of humor and a wonderful laugh.  You can frustrate the hell out of me and then turn around to be one of the most loving people I have ever known.  

Every day with you is an adventure (and some are a struggle!), but there is nothing that brings me greater joy than watching you grow and change into the silly, sassy, loving person you are meant to be.  I hope you always know how proud I am of you every day and how much you are loved.  You are smart, you are strong, you are caring, you are independent, you are silly, you are sassy, you are beautiful.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mom

She's a faded smile, frozen in time.

Dear Mom,

It sounds cliche to say I can't believe it's been four years already, but I can't believe it.  It's been a weird year - The Donald could be the next president, Han Solo died, Jon Stewart left TV.  Crazy freaking world right now!  I miss not being able to share all these "small" things with you.

Ava is starting kindergarten this year and Hayden is going into his second year of high school.  It's really weird and I feel old:)  Ava decided she wants to do gymnastics, which means I can live my Olympic dreams vicariously through her.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as the kids, but I just don't know.  I feel like I am falling apart and the one person who is supposed to be here for me, to listen, to advise, to knock sense into me, or just to listen and love is not here.  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not angry that you got sick.  I wonder if the guilt ever goes away - guilt of not spending enough time with you, guilt over not having Ava spend more time with you, guilt over not being there with you at the end, guilt that I don't think about you as much, guilt that I can't hear your voice, guilt that I am not doing enough to honor your life.  I wish I could hear your voice one more time telling me everything will be ok, that you forgive me. 

 I'm sorry you had to go and I hope that you are looking down with a smile and that you are proud of how we have all turned out.  I truly owe you so much and I will always wish I had thanked you more for everything you did for me, everything you gave up and sacrificed for me.  It is truly an honor to be able to call you Mom.  I am so lucky to have had you in my life for 32 short years.  You were an amazing woman, with "a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live".  Thank you for loving me with all of your heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.

Love Always,
M 

Four on the 4th

Dear Ava,

I cannot believe you are four years old.  Where did the time go?  You make me want to pull my hair out half the time, but the other half of the time you are one of the sweetest, smartest, most loving people I know.

 



 I am amazed everyday by how independant you are and how smart you are.  You are certainly beautiful but I hope you always put the worth of your brain above the worth of your beauty.  I have no doubt in my mind that you can and will be whatever you want to be.  The only thing that holds you back is you.  I watch as you try to tie your shoes and get so frustrated that you cannot do it right away and that makes me so frustrated because I want you to understand that things take time.  Not everything in life is easy but if you practice, you will get it.  I hope you never give up on anything that you want.  

You certainly have an amazing personality and you have since day one.  You are a wonderful mommy, you are creative, and a goofball!

You are so loved by so many and I am thankful everyday for all of the wonderful people in your life.  Never lose yourself, never stop being who you are, and never be afraid.  You are so strong and brave and I admire you more than you will ever know.  The last 4 years have been an honor to be your mommy and I can't want to see what the future holds.

Happy fourth birthday you silly, sweet, loving, strong willed little girl!

The Years are Rolling by Me

Dear Mom,

I can't believe it has been three years since you left.  It feels like I have lived a lifetime without you but at the same time it still hurts like it was just yesterday.  It is still so surreal that it almost feels like maybe you are on vacation!  I never imagined what my life would be like with out you or that I could even go on without you and yet here I am.  Life goes on for me and around me like nothing ever happened.

I am doing better, coping better I guess.  Or maybe I have just learned to better compartmentalize?  But sometimes I still feel so lost and angry.  Why aren't you here to impart unwanted parenting advice on me?  Why aren't you here to tell me "I told you so"?  Why aren't you hear to give me a hug when I am feeling down and defeated?

You and Ava would have been the best of friends, I am sure of it.  She has the DeVeney "spunk".  She also has our attitude.  Sometimes I think the only time she looks sort of like me is when she is mad!  I read all of the weekly notes you wrote when I was a baby/toddler and it is amazing because I could have written that for Ava (in fact maybe I will copy them and change the name!).  

She and Hayden are BFF's, most of the time.  He is amazing with her.  I don't remember Jeremy or Josh ever caring about me and Angela as much as Hayden cares about Ava.  I hope they can always be close...

This time of year is always hard, and I am sure it always will be.  There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to have another day with you.  I hope I am making you proud.  You truly are my inspiration.  I will wish for the rest of my life that I thanked you more for everything you did for me.  I love you more than you will ever know.  

I  really, really, really miss you....

Love always - M

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day.  I now I should have said it so much more often while you were here, but you were an amazing mom and I am so lucky to have had you.  You taught me what it truly means to be a mom.  You taught me about the sacrifice that a mother makes every day, starting when her baby is born, to put that child above anyone else including yourself.  You taught me what unconditional love really is.  You taught me that a mother may not like everything her child does, but will always love and stand by them and never, EVER walk away from them. 

 I miss you every day and I hope I am turning into the kind of mother that would make you proud, someone like you.

Love Always,
M 

When You're 64

Dear Mom,

Happy 64th birthday!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you more than any words can ever say.  You were a remarkable woman and I wish that I had appreciated that more while you were with me.  This is the first time since you left that I will actually be celebrating your birthday instead of sitting alone crying.  While I can't promise there won't be tears tonight, I imagine they will be tears of joy rather than sadness.  One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that you will not be here to help with Ava, to give advice (wanted or not) on parenting, and to just knock some sense into me.  You are my inspiration and I hope I can be half the person you were.  I love you more than any words can ever express and I hope I am making you proud.

Love forever,
M

3 Years Young

Dear Ava,

3 years ago at 2:14pm you finally decided to grace us with your presence (a week late!). 

 You continue to amaze me everyday.  I recently read through the baby book my mom (your grandma) made for me and she would write notes weekly (or monthly) and it blew my mind because they could have been about you!  You are so sweet and loving, but on your terms.  You are extremely independent - from putting your own clothes on to wanting to pour your own drinks - but I hope you learn as you grow that it is ok to ask for help instead of getting frustrated and throwing a tantrum.  I cannot stress this enough (and if you can read please focus here for a minute) PLEASE STOP WITH THE TANTRUMS!  All in all, you are a very sweet, well behaved little girl.  

You are so so smart it scares me.  You have such an incredible imagination and I love to listen to you tell stories!  I hope you continue to love to read, draw, build, and learn anything and everything.  I know you can be anything you want to be.  I hope you continue to know that so many people love you so much and sometimes family isn't about who you are related to but about who loves you and is there for you.  It amazes me everyday to watch you grow.  You pick up on everything around you and make it your own!  I love not knowing what you will say or do and watching how animated you are when you are talking.

 You were our little miracle and yet I am the one who feels blessed everyday that I get to be your mom.  I am so lucky and my world is so much better and brighter with you in it.  Happy birthday

The 2nd Year is the Hardest

Dear Mom,

It has been two years now and I have to say the second year is harder than the first.  During year one, I was angry - angry at the universe, god, whomever - for making you sick and taking you from me.  I found that I am still angry, but that anger has shifted.  I am angry at you.  I am angry that you abandoned me.  I am angry that I am so heartbroken.  I am angry because you should be here for me - to listen, to give advice, to dry my tears, to help me through life's tough times.  I am angry because you have not given me any sign that things will get better.  I am angry you left Ava without a grandmother.  And most of all, I am angry with myself for being angry with you!  Deep down, I know you fought as hard as you could for as long as you could.  I know it was not your choice to leave.  But, I am still fucking angry...

I love you more than words can ever say and I miss you every day. 

Love always,
M

A Letter to My Daughter on Her Second Birthday (a little late)

Dear Ava,

After waiting and hoping for years for you to come, two years ago you finally graced us with your presence.  Your personality has amazed me since the day you were born.  You lifted your head up in the hospital, to now what I imagine was to feel included in the party!  And that has not stopped, sometimes to my frustration, like when you fight going to bed because you want to "hang out" with everyone!  You are incredibly intelligent and your personality fills the room.  Nothing brings me more joy than listening to you sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and hearing you laugh.  You have your ups and downs of course and I am ready for the terrible twos to be over.  I try to stay sane by telling myself that the tantrums and not listening come from you being so independent, which is a good thing.  I am not sure how I would have made it through the past year without you.  You are my heart, my reason for being.  I miss baby Ava but I am excited to see what you will continue to grow to become.  

1 Day Old

1 Year Old

2 Years Old

3 Months

Dear Mom,

It has been three months since you left us and while I don't cry everyday I still do not see a time when I will feel better.  I keep hoping for some sign that you are ok and that I will be ok and I have not gotten one.  You hear so many stories of people who had visions of their loved ones and it brought comfort and healing and I am angry that I have not gotten that.  I feel guilty because I know I told you it was ok to go but I still need you and I guess a part of me wishes I told you not to go.  Everyday I hope that I am living up to your expectations of me as a mother and a person and everyday as Ava does something new and amazing it kills me to know you are not here in her life.  I love you more than anything and I miss you everyday.

Ava meeting Grandma

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday:

Ava,

I waited a long time for you; in fact I was convinced I would never have a child of my own.  Then on December 19, 2010, it was confirmed – you were on your way.  I am sure I will torture you for years to come on how much I hated being pregnant and how I could have skipped the whole labor thing all together but at 2:14PM on September 4, 2011, it was all worth it as we welcomed you into the world.  Everyone couldn’t wait to meet you – your brother Hayden, Grandma and Grandpa Jones, Auntie Angela, Auntie Liz, Auntie Amanda, and Uncle Tom were all there to greet you right away.  You were a miracle baby, a true blessing that came when I would need it the most.  I don’t think I can ever make you understand how much you have helped me through this last year which ended up being the best and worst year of my life.  Even though you are only a baby, I do not think I would have survived without you.  You have been the strength that I needed through a difficult time.  As sad as I am to watch you grow, I am also excited to see what you will do next, how you will change, and who you will become.  I apologize in advance for all the things that I will do that will make you mad or upset with me, but know they are done out of love (and maybe sometimes a lack of sleep!).  I hope as you grow up you will always know how much you are loved by me, your dad and so many others.  My hope for myself is that I can be even half the mother to you that my mother was to me and if I can succeed at that then you can succeed at anything.  You are a strong, smart, beautiful, and independent little girl and I hope that never changes.

I love you more than I ever knew was possible,

Mom

One day old

One year old