Dancing in the Sky

Dear Mom,


I don't think anyone ever gets over a loss like this.  We just learn how to deal with or compartmentalize the grief.  But deep down, it's always there.  A hole in my heart that just cannot be filled by anyone or anything else.  

There are so many things that I buried that I have been forced to face this year that make this year just a little harder.  

Anger - at you for getting sick and then for leaving me, at the universe for making you sick, at ALS for not having a cure, at myself for a myriad of reasons, and life for continuing on and not allowing me the chance to process any of it. 

Sadness - that you are not here to talk to, to give advice, to know Ava, to help, and quite frankly sad that there was maybe another life I could have lived if things were different.

Guilt - soooo much guilt which I blame you and the Catholic Church for!

I just miss you, sometime more than I can bear.  I hope that you are watching over us.  I hope you are dancing and laughing.  And more than anything, I hope I have made you proud and that I am like you.  

You were a great mom.  You were a great friend.  You are everything I am and the world was a better place when you were here.  

Thank you for being my mom, for putting up with me, and for loving me even when I was a royal pain in the ass.  For what it's worth: I am glad I had you at all, even if it was cut too short, than to never have had you in my life.

A Reflection on Five Years

Five years ago today, the most important person in my life finally succumbed to ALS, after an 11 year battle.  Five years, my heart was ripped into a million pieces.  Five years which at times seems like 5 minutes and other times it feels like a whole lifetime.

One thing I have learned is that no one is an expert on grief - everyone grieves differently.  No one talks about how much you will regret EVERYTHING and how much guilt you will feel.  I wasn't there enough, I didn't say enough, I didn't thank enough, did she really know how much I loved her. There is NEVER enough time with a loved one, period.  I don't know if I will ever not regret or not feel guilty, but at least it dissipates over time and I can at least be more thankful for the time I did have then regret the time I didn't.

Another thing I have learned about grief is that I don't think there is ever closure of the "five stages".  I will always be angry that my mom got sick, I will always be angry that there was no cure.  I still would like to bargain with the powers that be - I would gladly trade someone to have my mom back. I will always be heartbroken that my mom is not with me.  I will always miss her.  As a rational, intelligent human being, of course I accept that she is gone, but there is no peace in that acceptance and maybe there will never be.

As an adult, with a job and a child, etc., I did not have the luxury of shutting down and checking out and letting myself grieve.  Life went on, my job went on, my child needed to be taken care of.  One day a year, that is when I let myself grieve.  But as I did today, I met someone who made me think about my process.  My daughter is almost 6 years old, my mom passed away a month before her 1st birthday so she has no memory of her.  I rarely talk about my mom with my daughter because it is hard, because I get sad.  I realized that I want my daughter to know about my mom, and it is ok if she sees me get sad.  I have to start telling her about my mom, letting her know how much I hurt without her, and that these feeling are all ok.

My mom was a strong, independent, fierce woman (at least that is how I saw her).  She spoke her mind and she was unapologetic for it.  She pissed off her enemies and sometimes her friends!  She was silly and kind, and she had a twisted sense of humor.  She loved with everything she was and I could always see how much she hurt when any of her kids hurt.  She was tough and strong and a bit stubborn. She was beautiful.  The world is a darker place without her in it.

Everything I am today as a person and as a mother was inspired by her.  Not only did she give me life, but she gave me more strength than I ever knew I had. I hope wherever she is, she is proud of what I have done and who I have become.

Mom - there will never be enough words to describe how I feel or how much I miss you.  

She's a faded smile, frozen in time.

Dear Mom,

It sounds cliche to say I can't believe it's been four years already, but I can't believe it.  It's been a weird year - The Donald could be the next president, Han Solo died, Jon Stewart left TV.  Crazy freaking world right now!  I miss not being able to share all these "small" things with you.

Ava is starting kindergarten this year and Hayden is going into his second year of high school.  It's really weird and I feel old:)  Ava decided she wants to do gymnastics, which means I can live my Olympic dreams vicariously through her.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as the kids, but I just don't know.  I feel like I am falling apart and the one person who is supposed to be here for me, to listen, to advise, to knock sense into me, or just to listen and love is not here.  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not angry that you got sick.  I wonder if the guilt ever goes away - guilt of not spending enough time with you, guilt over not having Ava spend more time with you, guilt over not being there with you at the end, guilt that I don't think about you as much, guilt that I can't hear your voice, guilt that I am not doing enough to honor your life.  I wish I could hear your voice one more time telling me everything will be ok, that you forgive me. 

 I'm sorry you had to go and I hope that you are looking down with a smile and that you are proud of how we have all turned out.  I truly owe you so much and I will always wish I had thanked you more for everything you did for me, everything you gave up and sacrificed for me.  It is truly an honor to be able to call you Mom.  I am so lucky to have had you in my life for 32 short years.  You were an amazing woman, with "a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live".  Thank you for loving me with all of your heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.

Love Always,
M 

The Years are Rolling by Me

Dear Mom,

I can't believe it has been three years since you left.  It feels like I have lived a lifetime without you but at the same time it still hurts like it was just yesterday.  It is still so surreal that it almost feels like maybe you are on vacation!  I never imagined what my life would be like with out you or that I could even go on without you and yet here I am.  Life goes on for me and around me like nothing ever happened.

I am doing better, coping better I guess.  Or maybe I have just learned to better compartmentalize?  But sometimes I still feel so lost and angry.  Why aren't you here to impart unwanted parenting advice on me?  Why aren't you here to tell me "I told you so"?  Why aren't you hear to give me a hug when I am feeling down and defeated?

You and Ava would have been the best of friends, I am sure of it.  She has the DeVeney "spunk".  She also has our attitude.  Sometimes I think the only time she looks sort of like me is when she is mad!  I read all of the weekly notes you wrote when I was a baby/toddler and it is amazing because I could have written that for Ava (in fact maybe I will copy them and change the name!).  

She and Hayden are BFF's, most of the time.  He is amazing with her.  I don't remember Jeremy or Josh ever caring about me and Angela as much as Hayden cares about Ava.  I hope they can always be close...

This time of year is always hard, and I am sure it always will be.  There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to have another day with you.  I hope I am making you proud.  You truly are my inspiration.  I will wish for the rest of my life that I thanked you more for everything you did for me.  I love you more than you will ever know.  

I  really, really, really miss you....

Love always - M

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day.  I now I should have said it so much more often while you were here, but you were an amazing mom and I am so lucky to have had you.  You taught me what it truly means to be a mom.  You taught me about the sacrifice that a mother makes every day, starting when her baby is born, to put that child above anyone else including yourself.  You taught me what unconditional love really is.  You taught me that a mother may not like everything her child does, but will always love and stand by them and never, EVER walk away from them. 

 I miss you every day and I hope I am turning into the kind of mother that would make you proud, someone like you.

Love Always,
M