Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did

Dear Mom,

One year later and I thought maybe it would start to be a little easier.  I still cry a lot and my heart hurts from missing you, sometimes to the point of being unbearable.  I always knew I would miss you and that I would hurt and be sad, but I never expected to hurt so much. I have at least come to realize that I cannot move forward in my grief until I admit a few things to myself.  Things I did not want to think about let alone talk about, but until I can make peace with those thoughts I cannot move forward.

There are so many things I did not say, and a part of me wants to believe you know what they are and that you forgive and understand, the other part of me feels the regret of not saying them when I had the chance so you knew how I felt.  I am so sorry for all the times that I felt you were  burden, that I did not want to come to the house and sit with you because it was frustrating.  I know that I have to live with that, but of course as I look back, i regret not taking advantage of every moment I had with you.  You were not a burden and I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that way.  I just was never able to accept what was happening to you and I thought by not being around it would be easier on me.  I was extremely selfish and I will always regret that.

I wish you were here with me and Ava and I know you would have made an amazing grandmother and she would have loved you so much.  I still can't look at pictures of you without crying, but I am trying to show them to Ava and she has started to recognize you and call you grandma.  There is so much about you I never asked and never found out, and I am so scared I will not be able to really explain who you were to Ava.  It hurts that she is left here with no grandmother.  She is so incredible and I just wish you could be here to watch her grow and evolve into the amazing person she is destined to be.  I can only hope that you are watching over her, her own guardian angel, and will help keep her safe.

You are truly everything I am and everything I hope to be.  You were an amazing, strong, confident, beautiful women and I am proud that I can call you mom.  I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you.  I cannot say I'm sorry enough for all the times I feel like I hurt you or let you down or just wasn't there.  In the end, there is never enough time and we always wish for just one more day and I will wish that forever.  I miss you more than words can describe and I will never stop loving you with all my heart.

I love you,
"Babycakes"

3 Months

Dear Mom,

It has been three months since you left us and while I don't cry everyday I still do not see a time when I will feel better.  I keep hoping for some sign that you are ok and that I will be ok and I have not gotten one.  You hear so many stories of people who had visions of their loved ones and it brought comfort and healing and I am angry that I have not gotten that.  I feel guilty because I know I told you it was ok to go but I still need you and I guess a part of me wishes I told you not to go.  Everyday I hope that I am living up to your expectations of me as a mother and a person and everyday as Ava does something new and amazing it kills me to know you are not here in her life.  I love you more than anything and I miss you everyday.

Ava meeting Grandma

September 2, 2012

Dear Mom,
It has been one month and it has been the worst month of my life. Hopefully that means it can only get better! I am feeling bittersweet as Ava's 1st birthday approaches. I can't believe she is here and it has been a year already but at the same time it hurts so much knowing you are not here to celebrate with me. I am so angry and I know I will be for a very long time. You would have been an amazing grandmother and you were an amazing mother. Ava's life will be much less not having you in it but she will know you and love you and be so proud of you. I miss you and love you and I hope you will be celebrating with us on Tuesday wherever you might be.

How I would like to always remember you

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday:

Ava,

I waited a long time for you; in fact I was convinced I would never have a child of my own.  Then on December 19, 2010, it was confirmed – you were on your way.  I am sure I will torture you for years to come on how much I hated being pregnant and how I could have skipped the whole labor thing all together but at 2:14PM on September 4, 2011, it was all worth it as we welcomed you into the world.  Everyone couldn’t wait to meet you – your brother Hayden, Grandma and Grandpa Jones, Auntie Angela, Auntie Liz, Auntie Amanda, and Uncle Tom were all there to greet you right away.  You were a miracle baby, a true blessing that came when I would need it the most.  I don’t think I can ever make you understand how much you have helped me through this last year which ended up being the best and worst year of my life.  Even though you are only a baby, I do not think I would have survived without you.  You have been the strength that I needed through a difficult time.  As sad as I am to watch you grow, I am also excited to see what you will do next, how you will change, and who you will become.  I apologize in advance for all the things that I will do that will make you mad or upset with me, but know they are done out of love (and maybe sometimes a lack of sleep!).  I hope as you grow up you will always know how much you are loved by me, your dad and so many others.  My hope for myself is that I can be even half the mother to you that my mother was to me and if I can succeed at that then you can succeed at anything.  You are a strong, smart, beautiful, and independent little girl and I hope that never changes.

I love you more than I ever knew was possible,

Mom

One day old

One year old