She's a faded smile, frozen in time.

Dear Mom,

It sounds cliche to say I can't believe it's been four years already, but I can't believe it.  It's been a weird year - The Donald could be the next president, Han Solo died, Jon Stewart left TV.  Crazy freaking world right now!  I miss not being able to share all these "small" things with you.

Ava is starting kindergarten this year and Hayden is going into his second year of high school.  It's really weird and I feel old:)  Ava decided she wants to do gymnastics, which means I can live my Olympic dreams vicariously through her.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as the kids, but I just don't know.  I feel like I am falling apart and the one person who is supposed to be here for me, to listen, to advise, to knock sense into me, or just to listen and love is not here.  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not angry that you got sick.  I wonder if the guilt ever goes away - guilt of not spending enough time with you, guilt over not having Ava spend more time with you, guilt over not being there with you at the end, guilt that I don't think about you as much, guilt that I can't hear your voice, guilt that I am not doing enough to honor your life.  I wish I could hear your voice one more time telling me everything will be ok, that you forgive me. 

 I'm sorry you had to go and I hope that you are looking down with a smile and that you are proud of how we have all turned out.  I truly owe you so much and I will always wish I had thanked you more for everything you did for me, everything you gave up and sacrificed for me.  It is truly an honor to be able to call you Mom.  I am so lucky to have had you in my life for 32 short years.  You were an amazing woman, with "a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live".  Thank you for loving me with all of your heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.

Love Always,
M 

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day.  I now I should have said it so much more often while you were here, but you were an amazing mom and I am so lucky to have had you.  You taught me what it truly means to be a mom.  You taught me about the sacrifice that a mother makes every day, starting when her baby is born, to put that child above anyone else including yourself.  You taught me what unconditional love really is.  You taught me that a mother may not like everything her child does, but will always love and stand by them and never, EVER walk away from them. 

 I miss you every day and I hope I am turning into the kind of mother that would make you proud, someone like you.

Love Always,
M 

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday

A Letter to my Daughter on her First Birthday:

Ava,

I waited a long time for you; in fact I was convinced I would never have a child of my own.  Then on December 19, 2010, it was confirmed – you were on your way.  I am sure I will torture you for years to come on how much I hated being pregnant and how I could have skipped the whole labor thing all together but at 2:14PM on September 4, 2011, it was all worth it as we welcomed you into the world.  Everyone couldn’t wait to meet you – your brother Hayden, Grandma and Grandpa Jones, Auntie Angela, Auntie Liz, Auntie Amanda, and Uncle Tom were all there to greet you right away.  You were a miracle baby, a true blessing that came when I would need it the most.  I don’t think I can ever make you understand how much you have helped me through this last year which ended up being the best and worst year of my life.  Even though you are only a baby, I do not think I would have survived without you.  You have been the strength that I needed through a difficult time.  As sad as I am to watch you grow, I am also excited to see what you will do next, how you will change, and who you will become.  I apologize in advance for all the things that I will do that will make you mad or upset with me, but know they are done out of love (and maybe sometimes a lack of sleep!).  I hope as you grow up you will always know how much you are loved by me, your dad and so many others.  My hope for myself is that I can be even half the mother to you that my mother was to me and if I can succeed at that then you can succeed at anything.  You are a strong, smart, beautiful, and independent little girl and I hope that never changes.

I love you more than I ever knew was possible,

Mom

One day old

One year old