Four on the 4th

Dear Ava,

I cannot believe you are four years old.  Where did the time go?  You make me want to pull my hair out half the time, but the other half of the time you are one of the sweetest, smartest, most loving people I know.

 



 I am amazed everyday by how independant you are and how smart you are.  You are certainly beautiful but I hope you always put the worth of your brain above the worth of your beauty.  I have no doubt in my mind that you can and will be whatever you want to be.  The only thing that holds you back is you.  I watch as you try to tie your shoes and get so frustrated that you cannot do it right away and that makes me so frustrated because I want you to understand that things take time.  Not everything in life is easy but if you practice, you will get it.  I hope you never give up on anything that you want.  

You certainly have an amazing personality and you have since day one.  You are a wonderful mommy, you are creative, and a goofball!

You are so loved by so many and I am thankful everyday for all of the wonderful people in your life.  Never lose yourself, never stop being who you are, and never be afraid.  You are so strong and brave and I admire you more than you will ever know.  The last 4 years have been an honor to be your mommy and I can't want to see what the future holds.

Happy fourth birthday you silly, sweet, loving, strong willed little girl!

The Years are Rolling by Me

Dear Mom,

I can't believe it has been three years since you left.  It feels like I have lived a lifetime without you but at the same time it still hurts like it was just yesterday.  It is still so surreal that it almost feels like maybe you are on vacation!  I never imagined what my life would be like with out you or that I could even go on without you and yet here I am.  Life goes on for me and around me like nothing ever happened.

I am doing better, coping better I guess.  Or maybe I have just learned to better compartmentalize?  But sometimes I still feel so lost and angry.  Why aren't you here to impart unwanted parenting advice on me?  Why aren't you here to tell me "I told you so"?  Why aren't you hear to give me a hug when I am feeling down and defeated?

You and Ava would have been the best of friends, I am sure of it.  She has the DeVeney "spunk".  She also has our attitude.  Sometimes I think the only time she looks sort of like me is when she is mad!  I read all of the weekly notes you wrote when I was a baby/toddler and it is amazing because I could have written that for Ava (in fact maybe I will copy them and change the name!).  

She and Hayden are BFF's, most of the time.  He is amazing with her.  I don't remember Jeremy or Josh ever caring about me and Angela as much as Hayden cares about Ava.  I hope they can always be close...

This time of year is always hard, and I am sure it always will be.  There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to have another day with you.  I hope I am making you proud.  You truly are my inspiration.  I will wish for the rest of my life that I thanked you more for everything you did for me.  I love you more than you will ever know.  

I  really, really, really miss you....

Love always - M

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day.  I now I should have said it so much more often while you were here, but you were an amazing mom and I am so lucky to have had you.  You taught me what it truly means to be a mom.  You taught me about the sacrifice that a mother makes every day, starting when her baby is born, to put that child above anyone else including yourself.  You taught me what unconditional love really is.  You taught me that a mother may not like everything her child does, but will always love and stand by them and never, EVER walk away from them. 

 I miss you every day and I hope I am turning into the kind of mother that would make you proud, someone like you.

Love Always,
M 

When You're 64

Dear Mom,

Happy 64th birthday!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you more than any words can ever say.  You were a remarkable woman and I wish that I had appreciated that more while you were with me.  This is the first time since you left that I will actually be celebrating your birthday instead of sitting alone crying.  While I can't promise there won't be tears tonight, I imagine they will be tears of joy rather than sadness.  One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that you will not be here to help with Ava, to give advice (wanted or not) on parenting, and to just knock some sense into me.  You are my inspiration and I hope I can be half the person you were.  I love you more than any words can ever express and I hope I am making you proud.

Love forever,
M