She's a faded smile, frozen in time.

Dear Mom,

It sounds cliche to say I can't believe it's been four years already, but I can't believe it.  It's been a weird year - The Donald could be the next president, Han Solo died, Jon Stewart left TV.  Crazy freaking world right now!  I miss not being able to share all these "small" things with you.

Ava is starting kindergarten this year and Hayden is going into his second year of high school.  It's really weird and I feel old:)  Ava decided she wants to do gymnastics, which means I can live my Olympic dreams vicariously through her.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as the kids, but I just don't know.  I feel like I am falling apart and the one person who is supposed to be here for me, to listen, to advise, to knock sense into me, or just to listen and love is not here.  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not angry that you got sick.  I wonder if the guilt ever goes away - guilt of not spending enough time with you, guilt over not having Ava spend more time with you, guilt over not being there with you at the end, guilt that I don't think about you as much, guilt that I can't hear your voice, guilt that I am not doing enough to honor your life.  I wish I could hear your voice one more time telling me everything will be ok, that you forgive me. 

 I'm sorry you had to go and I hope that you are looking down with a smile and that you are proud of how we have all turned out.  I truly owe you so much and I will always wish I had thanked you more for everything you did for me, everything you gave up and sacrificed for me.  It is truly an honor to be able to call you Mom.  I am so lucky to have had you in my life for 32 short years.  You were an amazing woman, with "a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live".  Thank you for loving me with all of your heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.

Love Always,
M