A Decade...In the blink of an eye

Dear Mom,

I cannot believe you have been gone for 10 years. It feels like a whole lifetime and no time at all. I don't think there will ever be a time that it isn't hard without you, but this year is harder than past years. 

Ava is turning 11 and starting middle school. I am having a hard time with it. I could really use your guidance, advice, and support. I wish you were here to help me and Ava navigate through her preteen and teens. I am sure I would get a bunch of "I told you so's"! I spend most days feeling like a failure or wondering how bad I am screwing her up. I try to tell myself that is the sign of a good parent, a parent who is trying....but having you here to reassure or just lend an ear would make a world of difference.

I will never not be angry that you are not here while shitty mothers are. You know who😉 And I can hear you in my head telling me how wrong I am for thinking that. Probably telling me you are disappointed in me for saying something like that. But, I don't care. I would 100% trade someone else to have you here. 

I hope you are proud of who I am and the choices I have made. It's hard not knowing. It's just rough sometimes. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom. I could go on and on....You are with me always. I will miss you and love you forever.

Love,

M

Nine

 Dear Ava,

I cannot believe that you are nine! Where does the time go. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. Each year I realize how not ready I am for you to grow up.😄

What a crazy year 2020 has been and not in a good way😏 I know it has been a struggle trying to do school from home. I know it has been frustrating and sad to not to see your friends. I hope you know that I have actually enjoyed the time. There will come a day when you don't want to spend time with me all the time or where you are not even living at home anymore so I have tried to cherish this extra time that COVID has given us, even when you are driving me up the wall. 

😡OMG - you certainly know how to push my buttons. You are strong willed for sure! I hope you channel that tenacity into something wonderful one day so it wasn't all wasted on just annoying me.

You are also so caring, sweet, funny, and silly and most of the time you brighten all of our days. Please stay that way. Be confident in who you are. Don't ever change for anyone. Teenage girls can be so mean and judgmental and I don't ever want you to doubt your worth or conform to "fit in". Being popular doesn't mean anything.💖 Kindness, caring, empathy, sense of humor, ability to see beauty in the world - those are the things that matter. 💖

I love watching you do gymnastics and I am proud of how hard you try to always do better. I love playing with you, or coloring, or doing crafts. You are so creative and smart.

It is an absolute pleasure to be your mom and I can't believe how lucky I am. Watching you grow has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You are so loved by so many and I hope you never forget that. Have a wonderful 9th birthday🎂 and keep being you.

Love Always,

Mom

And Just Like That, She's 7

Dear Ava,

I missed 6 so I will try to reflect on the last two years as best as I can!

You, my child, try my patience every day.  You are strong-willed and independent, which I do love.  I don't always love how stubborn you are or how you continue to do things long after being told no, or how you seem to take pleasure in pushing my buttons!

You have such a big heart.  I love that you make things for your friends and family just because.  I love that you get excited for everyone's birthday and not just your own.  You are my lovebug and I hope you will always want to be my big helper.

I love how much you love your grandpa.  I hope you always want to spend time with him, no matter how old you are.  It is such an amazing relationship to watch grow as you do.

You are so incredibly smart and I can't wait to see all the amazing things you will do (I can wait -I don't want time to go too fast!)  I truly believe that you can be and do anything you set your mind to.  It has been crazy watching you learn to read and move on to harder and harder books in no time at all.  I love how much you love math and science and school!  Things that were challenging a few months ago are now a breeze.  I also love how creative and crafty you are.  Your mind amazes me every day.

Being smart and being able to figure things out for yourself is super important.  But I want you to also know how beautiful I think you are inside and out.  I hope I can instill in you the importance of standing up for yourself and your friends.  You can still be a little shy or fearful when it comes to telling people you don't like something.  It is always ok to say no, to tell someone they are being mean, or to walk away.  Please don't ever let anyone make you feel like that is not ok.  Please know that you can always tell me anything as well.  Don't ever keep secrets that might be harmful to you or anyone else.

You are so loved by so many and I hope you see and feel that everyday.  I will make mistakes because I am not prefect but my mistakes don't mean that I love you any less.  You are wanted, you are cherished, never forget.

I can't believe you are seven already!  It has gone by so fast, but I have enjoyed almost every moment of it.  I love you more than you will ever know and I am so lucky that I am your mom.  Happy birthday my baby girl.

Love always,
Mom

Dancing in the Sky

Dear Mom,


I don't think anyone ever gets over a loss like this.  We just learn how to deal with or compartmentalize the grief.  But deep down, it's always there.  A hole in my heart that just cannot be filled by anyone or anything else.  

There are so many things that I buried that I have been forced to face this year that make this year just a little harder.  

Anger - at you for getting sick and then for leaving me, at the universe for making you sick, at ALS for not having a cure, at myself for a myriad of reasons, and life for continuing on and not allowing me the chance to process any of it. 

Sadness - that you are not here to talk to, to give advice, to know Ava, to help, and quite frankly sad that there was maybe another life I could have lived if things were different.

Guilt - soooo much guilt which I blame you and the Catholic Church for!

I just miss you, sometime more than I can bear.  I hope that you are watching over us.  I hope you are dancing and laughing.  And more than anything, I hope I have made you proud and that I am like you.  

You were a great mom.  You were a great friend.  You are everything I am and the world was a better place when you were here.  

Thank you for being my mom, for putting up with me, and for loving me even when I was a royal pain in the ass.  For what it's worth: I am glad I had you at all, even if it was cut too short, than to never have had you in my life.

A Reflection on Five Years

Five years ago today, the most important person in my life finally succumbed to ALS, after an 11 year battle.  Five years, my heart was ripped into a million pieces.  Five years which at times seems like 5 minutes and other times it feels like a whole lifetime.

One thing I have learned is that no one is an expert on grief - everyone grieves differently.  No one talks about how much you will regret EVERYTHING and how much guilt you will feel.  I wasn't there enough, I didn't say enough, I didn't thank enough, did she really know how much I loved her. There is NEVER enough time with a loved one, period.  I don't know if I will ever not regret or not feel guilty, but at least it dissipates over time and I can at least be more thankful for the time I did have then regret the time I didn't.

Another thing I have learned about grief is that I don't think there is ever closure of the "five stages".  I will always be angry that my mom got sick, I will always be angry that there was no cure.  I still would like to bargain with the powers that be - I would gladly trade someone to have my mom back. I will always be heartbroken that my mom is not with me.  I will always miss her.  As a rational, intelligent human being, of course I accept that she is gone, but there is no peace in that acceptance and maybe there will never be.

As an adult, with a job and a child, etc., I did not have the luxury of shutting down and checking out and letting myself grieve.  Life went on, my job went on, my child needed to be taken care of.  One day a year, that is when I let myself grieve.  But as I did today, I met someone who made me think about my process.  My daughter is almost 6 years old, my mom passed away a month before her 1st birthday so she has no memory of her.  I rarely talk about my mom with my daughter because it is hard, because I get sad.  I realized that I want my daughter to know about my mom, and it is ok if she sees me get sad.  I have to start telling her about my mom, letting her know how much I hurt without her, and that these feeling are all ok.

My mom was a strong, independent, fierce woman (at least that is how I saw her).  She spoke her mind and she was unapologetic for it.  She pissed off her enemies and sometimes her friends!  She was silly and kind, and she had a twisted sense of humor.  She loved with everything she was and I could always see how much she hurt when any of her kids hurt.  She was tough and strong and a bit stubborn. She was beautiful.  The world is a darker place without her in it.

Everything I am today as a person and as a mother was inspired by her.  Not only did she give me life, but she gave me more strength than I ever knew I had. I hope wherever she is, she is proud of what I have done and who I have become.

Mom - there will never be enough words to describe how I feel or how much I miss you.  

One Woman's Thoughts on the Election, America, and What it all Means to Me

With the presidential election just days away, I have been thinking a lot about what it all means. This has been an emotionally charged time, not just for myself but for most of America is seems.  I have found myself getting angry, worked up, and stressed.  I feel like the stakes are high, much higher than they have ever been in my lifetime.  I remember watching in college as the polls closed and Bush beat Gore and we were upset.  But it wasn't the fear, anxiety, and hatred of this election season.  I am terrified: Terrified for people at polls who might bring guns;  Terrified for people who might riot and incite violence when Trump doesn't win; Terrified of what has been brought out in many Americans that will take years to fix, if it can even be fixed.

I am an opinionated woman and maybe a bit more judgmental than I would prefer to be.  I know what I like and I know who I like and I don't need a lot of time to figure that out.  Maybe I have been too judgmental this election, maybe I have lost or damaged friendships, maybe I just don't care?  I don't mind having friends with differing opinions and view points.  I love a healthy debate or disagreement and I think it helps us all to be more intellectual to do so.  But, as I look at this election and I look at the many Americans who support Trump, I find myself thinking I could never be friends with people like that, people with the same values as that God awful man.

The thing that continues to baffle me the most is the hypocrisy of Trump supporters and their unwillingness to actually read facts.  Take for example, the facts that Trump has made fun of women, the disabled, veterans, minorities, etc and yet he is "just kidding" or "he is saying what's on his mind".  Hillary says ONE negative thing about half of Trump supporters (the KKK, neo-nazi's etc) and she is persecuted for it.  HYPOCRITES.  Quite frankly, if you believe and support the KKK, then I think you are a deplorable human being and I wish bad things for you.  Let's talk about facts - Trump has bankrupt at least 6 of his businesses, not to mention the failure of Trump Steak, Trump airlines and the FRAUDULENT Trump U.  But all I hear from Trump supporters is that he is a great business man.  Seriously?  If you believe that, you need to go back to school because you obviously don't understand business.  FACT - Trump has said nasty and derogatory things about women his whole life.  Millions of girls have heard this and it is having an effect on their self-esteem.  As a women and mother or a girl, I can't understand how any women or mother with girls can write this off as funny, or "locker room talk".  And, I wonder how many of you would be screaming sexual harassment if someone at your work did or said things like this to you?  I wonder how many of you would be calling for the impeachment of Obama if even one woman said he looked at her funny?  HYPOCRITES.  How about Trump's (and his supporters) remarks on "using their second amendment rights?  He should be jailed for that, it is a threat of violence against a Presidential nominee.  I bet that if Hillary indicated any sort of violence against Trump, you would be calling for her hanging.  HYPOCRITES.

It is true, there is a lot at stake this election.  I think the biggest thing at stake is who we are and who we want to be.  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Most importantly, what do I want my children to be?  I want my children to know that everyone is different and that we should celebrate people for their differences rather than bully and demean them.  I want my children to stand up for what they believe in without fear of persecution.  I want my children to accept everyone, regardless of race, religion, gender, or disability.  I want my daughter to respect herself, to dress however she feels comfortable, and to always be comfortable in her own skin.  Beauty fades, weight fluctuates, but intelligence, humor, self-respect, kindness - those things always prevail.  I want my daughter to know it is ok (and even encouraged) to speak out against anyone who assaults her in anyway - physical or verbal.  I don't want her to ever feel uncomfortable with how she dresses or acts.  I want my son to stand up for his sister and all women.  I want my son to respect women, to not treat them as objects, but as human beings no different than himself.   I want my children to obtain facts, to research issues, before making up their minds on something.  I want my children to live without fear of being hurt for expressing their opinions.  

Those are the things I want, those are the things I am. 

On Your 5th Birthday

Dear Ava,

How is it possible that you are already 5 years old and in kindergarten.  You continue to amaze me every day.  You are incredibly smart and I hope you cherish that above all else.  You are also incredibly strong-willed.  As frustrating as it can be to parent you at times, I know that you will be such a strong, fierce, independent woman who will not take any shit from anyone!  You have an amazing sense of humor and a wonderful laugh.  You can frustrate the hell out of me and then turn around to be one of the most loving people I have ever known.  

Every day with you is an adventure (and some are a struggle!), but there is nothing that brings me greater joy than watching you grow and change into the silly, sassy, loving person you are meant to be.  I hope you always know how proud I am of you every day and how much you are loved.  You are smart, you are strong, you are caring, you are independent, you are silly, you are sassy, you are beautiful.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mom