On Your 5th Birthday

Dear Ava,

How is it possible that you are already 5 years old and in kindergarten.  You continue to amaze me every day.  You are incredibly smart and I hope you cherish that above all else.  You are also incredibly strong-willed.  As frustrating as it can be to parent you at times, I know that you will be such a strong, fierce, independent woman who will not take any shit from anyone!  You have an amazing sense of humor and a wonderful laugh.  You can frustrate the hell out of me and then turn around to be one of the most loving people I have ever known.  

Every day with you is an adventure (and some are a struggle!), but there is nothing that brings me greater joy than watching you grow and change into the silly, sassy, loving person you are meant to be.  I hope you always know how proud I am of you every day and how much you are loved.  You are smart, you are strong, you are caring, you are independent, you are silly, you are sassy, you are beautiful.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,
Mom

She's a faded smile, frozen in time.

Dear Mom,

It sounds cliche to say I can't believe it's been four years already, but I can't believe it.  It's been a weird year - The Donald could be the next president, Han Solo died, Jon Stewart left TV.  Crazy freaking world right now!  I miss not being able to share all these "small" things with you.

Ava is starting kindergarten this year and Hayden is going into his second year of high school.  It's really weird and I feel old:)  Ava decided she wants to do gymnastics, which means I can live my Olympic dreams vicariously through her.

I wish I could say I was doing as well as the kids, but I just don't know.  I feel like I am falling apart and the one person who is supposed to be here for me, to listen, to advise, to knock sense into me, or just to listen and love is not here.  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not angry that you got sick.  I wonder if the guilt ever goes away - guilt of not spending enough time with you, guilt over not having Ava spend more time with you, guilt over not being there with you at the end, guilt that I don't think about you as much, guilt that I can't hear your voice, guilt that I am not doing enough to honor your life.  I wish I could hear your voice one more time telling me everything will be ok, that you forgive me. 

 I'm sorry you had to go and I hope that you are looking down with a smile and that you are proud of how we have all turned out.  I truly owe you so much and I will always wish I had thanked you more for everything you did for me, everything you gave up and sacrificed for me.  It is truly an honor to be able to call you Mom.  I am so lucky to have had you in my life for 32 short years.  You were an amazing woman, with "a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live".  Thank you for loving me with all of your heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.

Love Always,
M 

Four on the 4th

Dear Ava,

I cannot believe you are four years old.  Where did the time go?  You make me want to pull my hair out half the time, but the other half of the time you are one of the sweetest, smartest, most loving people I know.

 



 I am amazed everyday by how independant you are and how smart you are.  You are certainly beautiful but I hope you always put the worth of your brain above the worth of your beauty.  I have no doubt in my mind that you can and will be whatever you want to be.  The only thing that holds you back is you.  I watch as you try to tie your shoes and get so frustrated that you cannot do it right away and that makes me so frustrated because I want you to understand that things take time.  Not everything in life is easy but if you practice, you will get it.  I hope you never give up on anything that you want.  

You certainly have an amazing personality and you have since day one.  You are a wonderful mommy, you are creative, and a goofball!

You are so loved by so many and I am thankful everyday for all of the wonderful people in your life.  Never lose yourself, never stop being who you are, and never be afraid.  You are so strong and brave and I admire you more than you will ever know.  The last 4 years have been an honor to be your mommy and I can't want to see what the future holds.

Happy fourth birthday you silly, sweet, loving, strong willed little girl!

The Years are Rolling by Me

Dear Mom,

I can't believe it has been three years since you left.  It feels like I have lived a lifetime without you but at the same time it still hurts like it was just yesterday.  It is still so surreal that it almost feels like maybe you are on vacation!  I never imagined what my life would be like with out you or that I could even go on without you and yet here I am.  Life goes on for me and around me like nothing ever happened.

I am doing better, coping better I guess.  Or maybe I have just learned to better compartmentalize?  But sometimes I still feel so lost and angry.  Why aren't you here to impart unwanted parenting advice on me?  Why aren't you here to tell me "I told you so"?  Why aren't you hear to give me a hug when I am feeling down and defeated?

You and Ava would have been the best of friends, I am sure of it.  She has the DeVeney "spunk".  She also has our attitude.  Sometimes I think the only time she looks sort of like me is when she is mad!  I read all of the weekly notes you wrote when I was a baby/toddler and it is amazing because I could have written that for Ava (in fact maybe I will copy them and change the name!).  

She and Hayden are BFF's, most of the time.  He is amazing with her.  I don't remember Jeremy or Josh ever caring about me and Angela as much as Hayden cares about Ava.  I hope they can always be close...

This time of year is always hard, and I am sure it always will be.  There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to have another day with you.  I hope I am making you proud.  You truly are my inspiration.  I will wish for the rest of my life that I thanked you more for everything you did for me.  I love you more than you will ever know.  

I  really, really, really miss you....

Love always - M

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day.  I now I should have said it so much more often while you were here, but you were an amazing mom and I am so lucky to have had you.  You taught me what it truly means to be a mom.  You taught me about the sacrifice that a mother makes every day, starting when her baby is born, to put that child above anyone else including yourself.  You taught me what unconditional love really is.  You taught me that a mother may not like everything her child does, but will always love and stand by them and never, EVER walk away from them. 

 I miss you every day and I hope I am turning into the kind of mother that would make you proud, someone like you.

Love Always,
M 

When You're 64

Dear Mom,

Happy 64th birthday!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you more than any words can ever say.  You were a remarkable woman and I wish that I had appreciated that more while you were with me.  This is the first time since you left that I will actually be celebrating your birthday instead of sitting alone crying.  While I can't promise there won't be tears tonight, I imagine they will be tears of joy rather than sadness.  One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that you will not be here to help with Ava, to give advice (wanted or not) on parenting, and to just knock some sense into me.  You are my inspiration and I hope I can be half the person you were.  I love you more than any words can ever express and I hope I am making you proud.

Love forever,
M

3 Years Young

Dear Ava,

3 years ago at 2:14pm you finally decided to grace us with your presence (a week late!). 

 You continue to amaze me everyday.  I recently read through the baby book my mom (your grandma) made for me and she would write notes weekly (or monthly) and it blew my mind because they could have been about you!  You are so sweet and loving, but on your terms.  You are extremely independent - from putting your own clothes on to wanting to pour your own drinks - but I hope you learn as you grow that it is ok to ask for help instead of getting frustrated and throwing a tantrum.  I cannot stress this enough (and if you can read please focus here for a minute) PLEASE STOP WITH THE TANTRUMS!  All in all, you are a very sweet, well behaved little girl.  

You are so so smart it scares me.  You have such an incredible imagination and I love to listen to you tell stories!  I hope you continue to love to read, draw, build, and learn anything and everything.  I know you can be anything you want to be.  I hope you continue to know that so many people love you so much and sometimes family isn't about who you are related to but about who loves you and is there for you.  It amazes me everyday to watch you grow.  You pick up on everything around you and make it your own!  I love not knowing what you will say or do and watching how animated you are when you are talking.

 You were our little miracle and yet I am the one who feels blessed everyday that I get to be your mom.  I am so lucky and my world is so much better and brighter with you in it.  Happy birthday