Friday, August 2, 2013

Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did

Dear Mom,

One year later and I thought maybe it would start to be a little easier.  I still cry a lot and my heart hurts from missing you, sometimes to the point of being unbearable.  I always knew I would miss you and that I would hurt and be sad, but I never expected to hurt so much. I have at least come to realize that I cannot move forward in my grief until I admit a few things to myself.  Things I did not want to think about let alone talk about, but until I can make peace with those thoughts I cannot move forward.

There are so many things I did not say, and a part of me wants to believe you know what they are and that you forgive and understand, the other part of me feels the regret of not saying them when I had the chance so you knew how I felt.  I am so sorry for all the times that I felt you were  burden, that I did not want to come to the house and sit with you because it was frustrating.  I know that I have to live with that, but of course as I look back, i regret not taking advantage of every moment I had with you.  You were not a burden and I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that way.  I just was never able to accept what was happening to you and I thought by not being around it would be easier on me.  I was extremely selfish and I will always regret that.

I wish you were here with me and Ava and I know you would have made an amazing grandmother and she would have loved you so much.  I still can't look at pictures of you without crying, but I am trying to show them to Ava and she has started to recognize you and call you grandma.  There is so much about you I never asked and never found out, and I am so scared I will not be able to really explain who you were to Ava.  It hurts that she is left here with no grandmother.  She is so incredible and I just wish you could be here to watch her grow and evolve into the amazing person she is destined to be.  I can only hope that you are watching over her, her own guardian angel, and will help keep her safe.

You are truly everything I am and everything I hope to be.  You were an amazing, strong, confident, beautiful women and I am proud that I can call you mom.  I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you.  I cannot say I'm sorry enough for all the times I feel like I hurt you or let you down or just wasn't there.  In the end, there is never enough time and we always wish for just one more day and I will wish that forever.  I miss you more than words can describe and I will never stop loving you with all my heart.

I love you,


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