Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A Letter to My Son on His 13th Birthday

Dear Hayden,

I cannot believe you are 13!  Or maybe I can't believe I am 13 years older!!!!!  I want you to know that I have never thought of you as a "step-son" but as a son.  I have enjoyed all the perks of being your "mom" without the pain of childbirth!  You are an amazing individual and I hope you never forget that.  It has been an honor to watch you grow into the person you are becoming and I am thankful everyday that I get to be a part of your life.  You are sweet, caring, loving, compassionate, sensitive, honest, and considerate (and a million other things I forgot to mention).  You are such an important part of this family, even before Ava came along and probably more so now.  You are an amazing big brother and I know Ava loves you so much and I hope you can continue to be close and spend as much time together as possible!  I hope that you have a wonderful day today and that it is everything you hope it to be.  I love you more than words can ever express and I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to me and this family.

Love always,

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The 2nd Year is the Hardest

Dear Mom,

It has been two years now and I have to say the second year is harder than the first.  During year one, I was angry - angry at the universe, god, whomever - for making you sick and taking you from me.  I found that I am still angry, but that anger has shifted.  I am angry at you.  I am angry that you abandoned me.  I am angry that I am so heartbroken.  I am angry because you should be here for me - to listen, to give advice, to dry my tears, to help me through life's tough times.  I am angry because you have not given me any sign that things will get better.  I am angry you left Ava without a grandmother.  And most of all, I am angry with myself for being angry with you!  Deep down, I know you fought as hard as you could for as long as you could.  I know it was not your choice to leave.  But, I am still fucking angry...

I love you more than words can ever say and I miss you every day. 

Love always,