When You're 64

Dear Mom,

Happy 64th birthday!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you more than any words can ever say.  You were a remarkable woman and I wish that I had appreciated that more while you were with me.  This is the first time since you left that I will actually be celebrating your birthday instead of sitting alone crying.  While I can't promise there won't be tears tonight, I imagine they will be tears of joy rather than sadness.  One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that you will not be here to help with Ava, to give advice (wanted or not) on parenting, and to just knock some sense into me.  You are my inspiration and I hope I can be half the person you were.  I love you more than any words can ever express and I hope I am making you proud.

Love forever,
M

3 Years Young

Dear Ava,

3 years ago at 2:14pm you finally decided to grace us with your presence (a week late!). 

 You continue to amaze me everyday.  I recently read through the baby book my mom (your grandma) made for me and she would write notes weekly (or monthly) and it blew my mind because they could have been about you!  You are so sweet and loving, but on your terms.  You are extremely independent - from putting your own clothes on to wanting to pour your own drinks - but I hope you learn as you grow that it is ok to ask for help instead of getting frustrated and throwing a tantrum.  I cannot stress this enough (and if you can read please focus here for a minute) PLEASE STOP WITH THE TANTRUMS!  All in all, you are a very sweet, well behaved little girl.  

You are so so smart it scares me.  You have such an incredible imagination and I love to listen to you tell stories!  I hope you continue to love to read, draw, build, and learn anything and everything.  I know you can be anything you want to be.  I hope you continue to know that so many people love you so much and sometimes family isn't about who you are related to but about who loves you and is there for you.  It amazes me everyday to watch you grow.  You pick up on everything around you and make it your own!  I love not knowing what you will say or do and watching how animated you are when you are talking.

 You were our little miracle and yet I am the one who feels blessed everyday that I get to be your mom.  I am so lucky and my world is so much better and brighter with you in it.  Happy birthday

A Letter to My Son on His 13th Birthday

Dear Hayden,

I cannot believe you are 13!  Or maybe I can't believe I am 13 years older!!!!!  I want you to know that I have never thought of you as a "step-son" but as a son.  I have enjoyed all the perks of being your "mom" without the pain of childbirth!  You are an amazing individual and I hope you never forget that.  It has been an honor to watch you grow into the person you are becoming and I am thankful everyday that I get to be a part of your life.  You are sweet, caring, loving, compassionate, sensitive, honest, and considerate (and a million other things I forgot to mention).  You are such an important part of this family, even before Ava came along and probably more so now.  You are an amazing big brother and I know Ava loves you so much and I hope you can continue to be close and spend as much time together as possible!  I hope that you have a wonderful day today and that it is everything you hope it to be.  I love you more than words can ever express and I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to me and this family.

Love always,
Melinda

The 2nd Year is the Hardest

Dear Mom,

It has been two years now and I have to say the second year is harder than the first.  During year one, I was angry - angry at the universe, god, whomever - for making you sick and taking you from me.  I found that I am still angry, but that anger has shifted.  I am angry at you.  I am angry that you abandoned me.  I am angry that I am so heartbroken.  I am angry because you should be here for me - to listen, to give advice, to dry my tears, to help me through life's tough times.  I am angry because you have not given me any sign that things will get better.  I am angry you left Ava without a grandmother.  And most of all, I am angry with myself for being angry with you!  Deep down, I know you fought as hard as you could for as long as you could.  I know it was not your choice to leave.  But, I am still fucking angry...

I love you more than words can ever say and I miss you every day. 

Love always,
M

Happy Birthday

Dear Mom,

Happiest birthday to you.  I am having a hard time rejoicing today but I just wanted to let you know that I am so thankful you were born, and not because it led to my wonderful existence!  We don't have any choice in who are parents are and without you I would not be here as the person I am.  I was so lucky to have you as my mother even if our time together was cut short.  I should have said that more while you were here and I hope you can hear it know.  I would like to thank you for everything you were/are and for everything you taught me.  I miss you everyday and my heart hurts for you but I want you to know that I am so proud to call you "Mom"

"And If you were with me tonight

I'd sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big,

god wouldn't let it live" ~Jimmy Eat World

Love Forever and Always,

Mel

A Letter to My Daughter on Her Second Birthday (a little late)

Dear Ava,

After waiting and hoping for years for you to come, two years ago you finally graced us with your presence.  Your personality has amazed me since the day you were born.  You lifted your head up in the hospital, to now what I imagine was to feel included in the party!  And that has not stopped, sometimes to my frustration, like when you fight going to bed because you want to "hang out" with everyone!  You are incredibly intelligent and your personality fills the room.  Nothing brings me more joy than listening to you sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and hearing you laugh.  You have your ups and downs of course and I am ready for the terrible twos to be over.  I try to stay sane by telling myself that the tantrums and not listening come from you being so independent, which is a good thing.  I am not sure how I would have made it through the past year without you.  You are my heart, my reason for being.  I miss baby Ava but I am excited to see what you will continue to grow to become.  

1 Day Old

1 Year Old

2 Years Old

Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did

Dear Mom,

One year later and I thought maybe it would start to be a little easier.  I still cry a lot and my heart hurts from missing you, sometimes to the point of being unbearable.  I always knew I would miss you and that I would hurt and be sad, but I never expected to hurt so much. I have at least come to realize that I cannot move forward in my grief until I admit a few things to myself.  Things I did not want to think about let alone talk about, but until I can make peace with those thoughts I cannot move forward.

There are so many things I did not say, and a part of me wants to believe you know what they are and that you forgive and understand, the other part of me feels the regret of not saying them when I had the chance so you knew how I felt.  I am so sorry for all the times that I felt you were  burden, that I did not want to come to the house and sit with you because it was frustrating.  I know that I have to live with that, but of course as I look back, i regret not taking advantage of every moment I had with you.  You were not a burden and I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that way.  I just was never able to accept what was happening to you and I thought by not being around it would be easier on me.  I was extremely selfish and I will always regret that.

I wish you were here with me and Ava and I know you would have made an amazing grandmother and she would have loved you so much.  I still can't look at pictures of you without crying, but I am trying to show them to Ava and she has started to recognize you and call you grandma.  There is so much about you I never asked and never found out, and I am so scared I will not be able to really explain who you were to Ava.  It hurts that she is left here with no grandmother.  She is so incredible and I just wish you could be here to watch her grow and evolve into the amazing person she is destined to be.  I can only hope that you are watching over her, her own guardian angel, and will help keep her safe.

You are truly everything I am and everything I hope to be.  You were an amazing, strong, confident, beautiful women and I am proud that I can call you mom.  I hope you were as proud of me as I was of you.  I cannot say I'm sorry enough for all the times I feel like I hurt you or let you down or just wasn't there.  In the end, there is never enough time and we always wish for just one more day and I will wish that forever.  I miss you more than words can describe and I will never stop loving you with all my heart.

I love you,
"Babycakes"